Sunday, October 21, 2012

A Difficult question to answer

A while ago, I was asked what I would do if all I had was anger?  If there was nothing more to me than just this one aspect.

Now this is a question you don't normally get, but there was a reason this person asked me this.  

For the past several years, I have allowed myself to be angry most if not all the time.  I had excuses for this, they are not important because they were just that, excuses.

This question came about because I have exploded for no reason at all, just suddenly I have become angry and vented and not in a positive or proactive manner.

These explosions have lost me jobs, friends and prevented relationships from happening.  These explosions have put a barrier between me and my brother, which every time we begin to move forward, another explosion for no reason.

So this is the background.

As to the answer.  Well I am not sure if I could live life being angry all the time.  I mean I exploded tonight because of a caption of a blog, I did not calm down and read further and it caused me to just explode blindly.  There will be consequences for this, but this most recent explosion comes after a long period of calm and peace.  I have for the past couple weeks been very calm and anger has been no where around.

Now it shows up and I feel lost and frustrated by this.

I feel as if the best part of me can be ruined by these sudden and abrupt explosions.

I know that if anger really is all I am then I have a hollow and empty life, one that is meaningless because it rotates around not thinking and not being level headed.

I don't like myself when this anger rises in me, and I really need to get it under control.  If I can't I feel I will lose anything I gain, and that is not what I need to be allowing.

I liked the calmness, the peace, the success that was finally becoming the center of me.

I feel I have written nothing here.  I feel as if I was working toward something then ran from the answer I came to, because it terrified me.

Yet I have to confront this.  If anger is all I have, what will I do?  I will probably have to go into intensive psychological care, and get on meds to control it.  I could see no other answer, or at least one that would not be a cop out.

I know I will be dealing with this tomorrow, but I know I am also being open about it and that is a first step to overcoming it.

1 comment:

  1. Dude sounds to me like you have some deep issues. Maybe Anger Management Classes. My daughter-in-law is like that & she's got some real issues. You need to back in time and find out when you first started getting angry like this and remember why and solve that issue first. Maybe then and only then will you resolve this and find peace. By the way your wife said BEEP! Good luck my friend. Any time you wanna talk just let me know. I'm a good listener/reader and many people come to me for some reason or other. I have a lot of street smarts I've been told, and a very crappy life until I met my husband, my soulmate. You can do it man. I got faith in ya! SO BEEP BEEP!